I'm just little ole me

I hate the feeling of going to sleep at night and not knowing if I’m going to wake up in morning. I hate hating myself. I hate not wanting to eat for days on end. I hate being told constantly to eat. I hate how I scare other people and not just myself. And most of all I’m just tired. Physically and emotionally tired. Emotionally because I’m always hating myself no matter what I do, and all the stress my heart is being put through from all the emotion I’m constantly feeling. From sad to happy to hatred to mad to upset to loving to happy to sad again. Everyday. I’m tired of all of it. I need help and on here is the only place I’ll admit it. I don’t want to die but I don’t know how to stop. I hate putting my boyfriend through all this crap and emotion by being anorexic. I don’t want him to have to worry about me. I don’t want him to feel like he HAS to take care of me when really he doesn’t. I have been in this mind set for over a year now and I don’t know how to get out of it. I tried telling myself that I shouldn’t have to worry about my weight but my mind won’t change. Now my stomach is in on it too. It is starting to reject food. I need someone to talk to. I will. Right now I will because someone who’s been through this will know exactly what to say. I miss you guys! I will try harder to start posting more. Until later:)

Everyday I wish I could move out just so that I won’t have to let people think I’m okay. If I were to move out I would stop eating all together. Unless someone took me out to eat. I gained four pounds and I’m not happy about it but there really isn’t anything I can do about it. If the guy I’m talking to comes over tomorrow it gives me an excuse not to eat. He’ll beg me but that’s about it. He can’t really make me eat. And once again I’m crying over the fact that I keep doing this to myself. I want to be skinny but it’s kinda hard with the situation that I’m in right now. I don’t want my mom to get suspicious. I won’t stop my addictions until I get pregnant or if I end up in the hospital. I don’t want to tell him about the pregnant thing because he might end up being so desperate he’ll try and get me pregnant. I’m starting to work out some to keep my weight low but that’s not working either. I have been having thoughts of puking. Also thoughts of cutting. I scare myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

So john a is now my boyfriend. Bad part about that is, he’s not straight edge and we got into a little fight over it last night and almost ended things. I told him that I would be an idiot and stay with him. I really hope I can get past it. It’s not like he does things all the time. He’s not a party animal so that’s good. I just have to look past his flaws and realize that he cares about me and likes me a lot and will take care of me when I need to be taken care of. In the end that’s really all that matters! I just hope I don’t regret this later. I’m also an idiot of not eating. I just can’t help it and it’s not like John a is getting at me for not eating. He thinks it’s not that bad and that it could be worse. In reality I have almost passed out two days in a row because of it. From friday to today (monday) I have only had three meals. I don’t think he realizes it either. In some ways my life is a mess. But in others my life is going great.

That’s why! That’s why I can’t get over John b! For two whole months I planned out my whole life around him. I would continue with school then off to college for 4+ years while he was in college for 4+ years and then after college we would still be together and we would get married and settle down. I was perfectly fine with him going away for school because then that would help me even more to focus on school. But that can’t happen with the guy I’m with now because he’s not going anywhere. With john a I would take things fast and move out asap with him. But with john b I would get my life together and everything would be perfect. It’s just john b doesn’t want me. And I don’t blame him. I kinda screwed him over. But then again he did take his sweet little time with me and he acted like (so did I for that fact) we had all the time in the world to work things out and to be together physically. I’m stupid enough that I would go find someone else too. I thought that john b would be gone for good and that he wouldn’t come back. I needed to get over him therefor I went for john a. I hate my decision. 

I honestly thought I knew exactly what I wanted. But the more time I spend with John a I miss the other one so much more. I don’t know what else to do because John a wants and has wanted to be with me for such a long time but I like john b way more. I can’t stop thinking about him and I think about him at all the wrong times! I hate the fact that I like the both of them and I can go on all day about the ups about the both of them. So here I go. Finally writting this down.

John a                                                                             John b

 He’s a good singer                                               His laugh

The way he looks at me                                        The way he looks at me

The way he smiles after a kiss                               The way he says hi to me

The way he holds me                                           The way he holds me

Hes not a virgin                                                   He is

He wants to take it slow                                       How he can make me smile

His eyes                                                            His eyes

The way he tries to understand me                        The way he still cares

I’ve known him for years                                  The way he could make me laugh

I’ve wanted this relationship for years                           The way he kissed me

                                                        How cute he is when he wants to kiss me

                                                                  He’s a good christian

                                                                      How smart he is
                                                How cute it was when he corrected my spelling

                                                                    He’s good at baseball

                                                                    How sweet he is

                                                 How much attention he wasn’t able to give me

                                                             How much attention he did give me

                                                                His sense of humor 

So as you can see I can keep going on about the baseball player. And that worries me alot. I have really screwed up this time. 

I have lived in my own lies for so long I’ve forgetting what’s true and what’s fake. Even in myself. I have lied to myself for so long telling myself I’m okay that I don’t even know if that’s every been true. I have emotionally confused myself so much that I have forgotten what I want the most. I have lied to myself so many times because I so badly wanted it to be true. Now the truth has come back to bite me in the ass. It’s like I’m not even a person anymore. I have gotten so good at lying that I can even make people who are on the phone with me think that I’m fine. I can be crying on the outside and screaming on the inside but my voice can say the exact opposite. No one has ever REALLY asked me how I’m doing. When they ask me “How are you?” My response is always “I’m good.” Nothing more nothing less. That’s a lie that I have been telling for longer then I can remember. Even when I’m on the brink of crying I can act like everything is wonderful and happy in my life. More often then not I catch myself wanted to punch something in anger and scream in sadness. But everyday I continue to put on a happy face because I don’t want to face the truth. 

I still haven’t moved on but I am talking to another guy. He’s my ex. My first boyfriend to be exact. I’ve liked this guy for six years and the first time we dated just wasn’t the right time. So I’m hoping this time it will work out a lot better because of the fact that we are a lot older and more mature. I just don’t know what to do about the baseball player. I miss him so much but I also don’t want to hurt the other guys feelings. we shall call my ex john a and the baseball player john b. That should make it a little easier. Well I hung out with john a yesterday and he took me out to dinner. I had a great time with him! But after I took him back home and was on my way to my house, I passed the baseball field and couldn’t help myself but to think about john b and it made me want to cry because I want him to give me another chance but I’m already talking to another guy. I told john b that he couldn’t take his time with me or else I really would go find another guy and he would end up sweeping me up off my feet and away form john b. If john b tries to come back and apologize I would want to forgive him but it would be too late. I would feel bad for a while but thats his own fault for leaving me. It’s also my fault for pushing him away. I don’t even know what to think right now. John a will be staying around for a while and I can tell you that already. We have known each other for about five years and he wants to take things slow with me. That’s a good thing and I’m glad he said that. It gives me security that he won’t go anywhere anytime soon. 

I just got done watching him play baseball. When he came out of the duggout I gave him the biggest hug and congratulated him for winning. We then walked up some steps to watch all the parents of the team players play a game of baseball. He grabbed my hand and asked “Do you think we should tell your mom about our decision?” I said yes then we kissed. We were then at my house and watching tv. 

I don’t know what this means but I miss him. 

They don’t know how hard it is to have all these emotions that I don’t know what to do with them. They don’t know how much I am in pain everyday. They don’t know how much I wish I was deathly sick so that I won’t have to be in misery of sadness and loneliness. They don’t know how much I constantly think of my happy days and hate myself for letting that go. I have thought of killing myself but I never do it because I know how many people would hate me and hate themselves. Killing myself would be the most selfish thing I could do. They don’t know how much I wish I had just a few more people show me that they care about me. Otherwise I will probably end up mentally sick. Which at this point I wouldn’t mind. Being physically ill would be better then being mentally ill. Maybe then people would start noticing me and giving me attention. I like being left alone but only for so long. If I know the person cares about me I don’t mind being ignored. Otherwise I would like to be given attention. I hate myself, and I remind myself what I’ve done wrong everyday. I just need a guy to free myself from these thoughts. I had a guy but I screwed that up just like I screw up everything else. I’m not good at anything and it makes me wonder where I’m going in this life. I just need someone to tell me I’m going somewhere and mean it! I hate that he won’t even give me a second chance because I don’t understand how anyone could just let me go like that. I’m kind of self centered like that. I just want to drive over to him and give him the biggest hug but I know that will do absolutely nothing. He made the pain go away. Now there’s even more pain. And I can’t blame anyone but myself. I hate myself.